It's crazy how much I want to start something new, but I can't even get myself to get to it. I don't know what I want or what I want to be. I want adventure and excitement, but alas I'm still here in this place. How do you get your heart to spark for something?

I'm attempting to apply for art residencies, but I'm apprehensive and have no confidence. Doubts and fears do not allow a person to grow, but how do you get past all the negativity that has been thrown at you for the last 6 years. Art is hard and will never be easy. People will always have a problem with your work, but how much can the heart handle when it has been trampled so many times. My desires to create another piece of art hurts. I have no desire anymore. But once that paint brush meets my hand, and my eyes open, I can't stop. Nothing distracts me from the work. 

So why can't I just get to work? Why won't I let myself?

I just don't want to anymore. Nothing.

Ugh.

b.