sea sick.

sunrise found me feeling like shit on a nearly abandoned highway. cut deep and sewn together with tar. i pulled to the side of the road, crossed an irrigation ditch, slipped over a barbed wire fence, walked through a cornfield and decided i shouldn't blame myself. it never turns out the way i dream anyways. my feet are covered in scratches carved out by loose sticks and filled with soil reeking simultaneously of decay and regeneration. the only word left to me is goodbye. i could wander this field forever, but i realize as i get closer to the edge that the sweet honey corn blossoms are dipping at the top. Their stalks hung heavy, over watered, and swollen. Suddenly i can't stop thinking of hospital waiting rooms. Sweet honey blossom of death and the swollen buds of unwashed bodies. i stayed there at the edge of the field. knees dug deep into soil with my head in my hands and cried until i laughed so hard i couldn't remember why I was kneeling in a cornfield.


Carli.

situated somewhere.

 the summer announced itself in a haze of wine and a renewed sense of invincibility. i spent half a week barefoot howling at the moon, breaking every rule, and wishing i didn't have to say goodbye. it was strange to return home after that week even though i was welcomed back into the forest by the familiar creaking of aspen trees. it is easy to feel free here. this mountain holds a spirit i have always been close to, but my mind slips back to the home i left behind. back to friends who are nearly strangers even though they have given me a way to be happy that i never thought possible. they are true, absolute, and feel like home to me. i think i am finally learning how to love, and this thing i'm doing whatever it is feels a lot like living.

Carli.

tchyeah

it only takes a step. here goes nothing.

impending doom...nah...

Four days until Casper, one week left in my apartment, two weeks left until India, and a month and ten days until my return.  I seem to be squatting in my own apartment. My brain might explode. The uncertainty is building, but I couldn't be happier. Homeless, but with great friends allowing me to make camp on their couches. This is going to be an awesome summer!

bethany.

new beginnings are hard.

Alone. Sick to my stomach. Heart ache. Why are emotions so prominent in our every day life?

I'd like to never leave my bed.

Tired of trying.

I love when everything happens all at once. Really puts everything into perspective.

Random thoughts get the best of me.

Fair the well!

bethany.

broken.

i thought it was the weather, but i wasn't right. i met a woman in the garden section of wallmart today. she overheard a phone conversation between my mother and i. she was brave in the way that she stepped in and shared both her hope and her sorrow with me. she started the conversation by simply telling me to cherish the time i have with my mother because she would do anything to get the time with her mother back. we continued to talk as she shared more with me. a life full of pain that i can't even imagine. i ended up holding her as she cried. i guess sometimes all you need is a stranger. towards the end of the conversation she told me it was her 70th birthday on Saturday and that she would be spending it alone. my heart was broken. i told her i would love to celebrate her birthday with her and gave her my number. i really hope she calls. i know this is painful and i hate to share it, but i think we all need a reminder once in awhile. These are the days we have. we are together, and that is enough. 


Carli.

To those who stick around...

Today was rough. Absolutely rough. These past nine days were rough.

I'm as stubborn as they come and I internalize everything. The breaking point happens when you least expect it, probably over an enchilada or scone dough. 

But in all these overwhelming times, I have my friends and family to back me up. So I will keep pushing on. Breathing. Living. Crying. Laughing.

Bethany.