Sunday, April 24, 2011

impending doom...nah...

Four days until Casper, one week left in my apartment, two weeks left until India, and a month and ten days until my return.  I seem to be squatting in my own apartment. My brain might explode. The uncertainty is building, but I couldn't be happier. Homeless, but with great friends allowing me to make camp on their couches. This is going to be an awesome summer!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

new beginnings are hard.

Alone. Sick to my stomach. Heart ache. Why are emotions so prominent in our every day life?
I'd like to never leave my bed.
Tired of trying.
I love when everything happens all at once. Really puts everything into perspective.
Random thoughts get the best of me.
Fair the well!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


i thought it was the weather, but i wasn't right. i met a woman in the garden section of wallmart today. she overheard a phone conversation between my mother and i. she was brave in the way that she stepped in and shared both her hope and her sorrow with me. she started the conversation by simply telling me to cherish the time i have with my mother because she would do anything to get the time with her mother back. we continued to talk as she shared more with me. a life full of pain that i can't even imagine. i ended up holding her as she cried. i guess sometimes all you need is a stranger. towards the end of the conversation she told me it was her 70th birthday on Saturday and that she would be spending it alone. my heart was broken. i told her i would love to celebrate her birthday with her and gave her my number. i really hope she calls. i know this is painful and i hate to share it, but i think we all need a reminder once in awhile. These are the days we have. we are together, and that is enough. 


Sunday, April 10, 2011

To those who stick around...

Today was rough. Absolutely rough. These past nine days were rough.
I'm as stubborn as they come and I internalize everything. The breaking point happens when you least expect it, probably over an enchilada or scone dough. 
But in all these overwhelming times, I have my friends and family to back me up. So I will keep pushing on. Breathing. Living. Crying. Laughing.


did it carry you away.

i spent yesterday in a scratchy wool sweater and a pair of socks dizzy from homemade wine, cigarettes, and too much harmonica. it would seem that this is a good combination for me. i started writing yesterday and have not stopped since. i'm on chapter four of what i think might be a book. it doesn't have a title and none of the characters have names, but it feels right. it is funny, you never know how a day will turn out.


Friday, April 8, 2011

dancing in the prairie.

there is something about living in a place where it takes 5 minutes to slip away. i am guilty of dreaming about other places where urban sprawl means infinite possibilities, but it is nights like tonight that make me wonder if having countless opportunities is better than having one possibility that turns out right. i could not have asked for a better evening. i watched several of my friends perform at open mic night, and then found myself driving in the dark out to roger's canyon with one of the greatest friends i could ever ask for listening to music as loud as we could and singing like there was nothing better to do in the world. we pulled off the side of the road. i got out of the car to smoke a cigarette while bethany chose what songs we would listen to. there was something about tonight. i felt so alive. i danced in the dark in the middle of a prairie. just danced. i didn't have anything on my mind but the music, and it was real. tonight i felt like myself for the first time in a really long time. completely free exactly how i was meant to be.

tonight was magic.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Waiting to surface.

waiting to surface again.


Friday, April 1, 2011

out of heart.

i have found myself alone in my apartment. coffee cups everywhere. it is the end of the night and like usual i am caught listening. it just makes sense to me. i feel like these days were never really meant to be. i remember what it was like when my nights were filled with books and paint. that was company enough. i am feeling the nostalgic unease of the familiar streets i used to walk. i will escape this mess soon.