Even though it may seem like marriage is the answer, I don't think it always is.

I am head over heals in love with my boyfriend, but marriage doesn't seem like the next step, and why does it have to be?

Why do people think I'm miserable and lonely when I'm only 24? I'm not. I am happy, I'm just not happy with the town that I live in. It is uninspiring and depressing. It's cold, it's bleak, it's ugly and dark. Our temperatures are worse than Alaska, and sometimes worse than Siberia. How can I find myself excited there? 

But with what I do have, I am happy. My friends are fantastic and are full of laughter. My family is encouraging and bring tears to my eyes when I see my brother hug his kids. My boyfriend kisses me, hugs me and listens to me. He pushes me to make art when I have no desire to. He is fantastic and I adore him.

Just some thoughts that keep coming to my mind.

b.

for carli

For the girl who goes through more than one can imagine and still has a positive outlook on life.

Your heart is always forgiving and is always giving. 

You deserve the world, but you settle for a fly fishing rod and random necklaces.

You keep getting stronger and stronger for with everything you put up with.

You are a wonderful human being. Strong. Independent. Loving. Patient. Bubbly. Intelligent.

I hope that one day, all this that you've been through, will finally pay off with something amazing.

I love you dearly.

love,

b.

Impossible.

Saying goodbye is impossible when no one is listening.

I miss you.

Carli.

We are all lost in space.

with love,

Carli.

dear readers!!!!

I GOT MY ARTIST RESIDENCY!


I will be going away for two weeks to make art. TO MAKE ART! No distractions and no reason not to make art. I will learn and be engulfed in my surroundings. I'm terrified to boot, but I have to do it. I was chosen out of 75 other applicants and I am on my way. So here's to new beginnings and actually putting myself out there. Who would have thought it'd work? I certainly didn't.


Check out where I'm going:
http://www.brushcreekranch.com/ranch/artsfoundation.php


(Sadly, I'll be missing my love's 21st birthday :( ...)


b.

a lot of time.

I find myself on a daily basis:

Drinking a lot of coffee

Listening or watching a lot of Harry Potter and Gossip Girl

Staying as warm as I possibly can in an apartment that leaks hot air, and a town that freezes anyone's bones

Hanging out with my bestie and her sweet cat

And the rest of my time is spent posting photos on tumblr that I absolutely love and pine for, or think others will enjoy. You name it, I post it (usually). 

(kelsotrex.tumblr.com) It may be my friend's tumblr, but I use it daily.

What a life...

I'm cold.

love,

B.

insomnia.

Dear Coffee,

Thank you for keeping me alive during the day due to my forced insomnia. I didn't choose not to sleep, but alas I have been forced to stay awake during the late hours. I'm exhausted.

Thank you boyfriend for instant netflix so I can watch endless Gossip Girl into the wee hours of the night. It's greatly appreciated while you're away. Please come home soon!

Sincerely your's,

B.

india

As of late, I have been missing India. Missing my India family/friends.

I miss the colors and the excitement of every day.

I miss it.

b.

what madness might the midnight bring.

i don’t understand why i can’t sleep. maybe, to me, midnight is when the city pretending to be quiet somehow stops trying. when everyone stops talking and without knowing begin to listen.

imagine a city being the first star you saw, maybe you knew their vital burning kept you alive, but, somehow they were still romantic. romantic enough to be wishes, dreams, and a simple gift from the gods. whom you barely knew, but loved more than ever. 

i feel this when i look out of a midnight window, out over a sleeping city it's chest rising and falling together. disturbed only by the moonlight walker and his collie dog chester, or the seldom turn signal, and leafy flutter of autumn. to me this is the city.

midnight is the hour, and sleep can wait.

Carli.

With me, the past lingers too long and when letting go of hurt feelings and past failures is quite difficult.

I become apprehensive and nervous, but all I want is to feel the passion, the love and the tenderness.

I want to feel reassured. Why do hormones intervene and create paranoia?

Why do I get so scared of certain things?

b.

oh, what a marevlous design.

“A mask has but one expression, frozen and eternal, yet it is always and ever the essential expression, and to hide one’s telltale flesh behind the external skeleton of the mask is to display the universal identity of the inner being in place of the outer identity that is transitory and corrupt. A mask, any mask, whether horned like a beast or feathered like an angel, is the face of immortality. Meet me in Cognito, baby. In Cognito, we’ll have nothing to hide.”- Tom Robbins

Carli.

how do you give your heart completely.

this is the answer.

Carli

you were just about to...

do you ever notice how cracks on the sidewalk look like maps? jumbled chaos of lines, dirt, and water. this morning i tripped over scotland, caught my balance in the south of france, and then rode my bike straight across africa. i am always imagining being in other places... am i missing the real message. should i look down at cracks on the sidewalk and appreciate them for what they are? cracks along a path i take everyday, through a neighborhood i know, near people i love.

Carli. 

when the beginning quits ending.

I rode my bike tonight, well past where i intended to go and even further than that. it was beautiful. my generator powered headlight dimming and sputtering back to life. lightning and the invariable threat of rain. then home to a hot tea and endless blankets. good night everyone.

Carli.

It's crazy how much I want to start something new, but I can't even get myself to get to it. I don't know what I want or what I want to be. I want adventure and excitement, but alas I'm still here in this place. How do you get your heart to spark for something?

I'm attempting to apply for art residencies, but I'm apprehensive and have no confidence. Doubts and fears do not allow a person to grow, but how do you get past all the negativity that has been thrown at you for the last 6 years. Art is hard and will never be easy. People will always have a problem with your work, but how much can the heart handle when it has been trampled so many times. My desires to create another piece of art hurts. I have no desire anymore. But once that paint brush meets my hand, and my eyes open, I can't stop. Nothing distracts me from the work. 

So why can't I just get to work? Why won't I let myself?

I just don't want to anymore. Nothing.

Ugh.

b.

back to the wilderness.

 always feels like coming home.

Carli.

for b.

 don't fly away too soon.

Carli.

we must.

  

Carli.

to my little love birds..

congrats on the engagement! Let's start planning this thing already! December is tomorrow...didn't you know!? 

Love you both!

love.

Behany

lets face it.

life is pretty amazing.

Carli.