Friday, May 27, 2011
sunrise found me feeling like shit on a nearly abandoned highway. cut deep and sewn together with tar. i pulled to the side of the road, crossed an irrigation ditch, slipped over a barbed wire fence, walked through a cornfield and decided i shouldn't blame myself. it never turns out the way i dream anyways. my feet are covered in scratches carved out by loose sticks and filled with soil reeking simultaneously of decay and regeneration. the only word left to me is goodbye. i could wander this field forever, but i realize as i get closer to the edge that the sweet honey corn blossoms are dipping at the top. Their stalks hung heavy, over watered, and swollen. Suddenly i can't stop thinking of hospital waiting rooms. Sweet honey blossom of death and the swollen buds of unwashed bodies. i stayed there at the edge of the field. knees dug deep into soil with my head in my hands and cried until i laughed so hard i couldn't remember why I was kneeling in a cornfield.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
the summer announced itself in a haze of wine and a renewed sense of invincibility. i spent half a week barefoot howling at the moon, breaking every rule, and wishing i didn't have to say goodbye. it was strange to return home after that week even though i was welcomed back into the forest by the familiar creaking of aspen trees. it is easy to feel free here. this mountain holds a spirit i have always been close to, but my mind slips back to the home i left behind. back to friends who are nearly strangers even though they have given me a way to be happy that i never thought possible. they are true, absolute, and feel like home to me. i think i am finally learning how to love, and this thing i'm doing whatever it is feels a lot like living.