Saturday, March 17, 2012

not ever.

it would be so much easier if every morning i didn't wake up wishing i could just slip away. take my typewriter and whatever paper i could find and just slip away. far enough that i would forget everyone and they would forget me. i imagine it is pretty quiet at the ends of the earth quiet enough that i could just stop acting, doing, being, feeling.  

 imagine miles along some frozen ocean, nothing but the sound of your own whistle. no memories, words with multiple meanings, and absolutely no more pain. no more broken hearts. just fog, sea spray, and emptiness. charcoal gray sand, endless turquoise, and nothing but fading white.

what if the world would stop spinning just long enough for you to breathe it out. if there was a place you could run that would truly take you away. a place to hide your broken heart long enough to lose yourself.

i think the reason that this doesn't exist is because we all need to hurt. we all need to fight to heal ourselves. even if that means waking up everyday to cry in the shower. we have to heal until our hearts are ready to beat again.

when i truly think about it i am not really sure i could run away, even if the promise was that i would never hurt like this again. because, what if it is true? what if love really does exist, and what if i missed my chance? i couldn't run away knowing that. not ever. 


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I'm about ready

I think I am about ready to head out. I love this town and the people I have met, but I'm too comfortable with the way things are that I do not feel the need to deal with present and past issues. Fall, winter and spring are probably the hardest to handle in Laramie and it consumes the majority of our year. I've lost friends and then gained them right back. What a feeling!
Friends are my most valued people. They are my family away from my family. They keep me grounded and sane when we're all going insane from the cold and wind. (THE WIND!) These people are who make me laugh and smile. They understand and react to things better than I can at times. I couldn't ask for better people in my life.

The sun is shining more and my heart has picked up two beats. I'm ready for some change and more sun. I need sun and warm. Being cold through and through is exhausting. Putting on shorts because the clock across the street says "47 degrees" on it, is a delusion, because during the summer, I would be freezing at those temperatures. My legs, my arms, my body needs to be free from heavy coat and woolen socks!  I am itching like most for that summer air, summer sun and summer fun. Ready to run around without shoes and sing at the top of my lungs for I am free. Ready to travel by bike, by car, by plane, to see friends I haven't seen in years. Ready to feel that warm red glow through my eyelids and to lay in the sun for hours without anything to do. Ready to go to drive in movies with my boyfriend, my love, my friend.  He is the best.
This is another summer I cannot wait for. I will be starting my twenty fifth year this year, but being twenty-four years old is not quite so bad. I think this might be my year, but who knows! Summer Summer Summer!

I'm ready.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012


 what would it take to wake up in a hazy afternoon, barefoot in some summer field, cutoff shorts and a dog trailing behind me? this is all i want right now. enough that i would bypass these next few months just to live this moment. hands outstretched barely dragging across the tops of fresh bluegrass, painted toes stretching deep into rain soaked soil, and the sun ah the sun warm and just bright enough to make you squint your eyes.

summer time. 

it is so far away, and yet my body yearns for the simplicity. the welcomed loneliness, bent corners on borrowed books, white wine and peach tea, thunderstorms and warm crashing light. i need it. bicycles and bluegrass, honeysuckle and orange blossoms, lilac sweet and mystical. why can't it be here? shooting stars, campfires, the wooden snap of hinged screen doors, fresh garden herbs, lemonade carafes, blueberry pancakes, rosy finches. oh why can't it be here...

yea... i know i live in laramie and i am just pouting. guess i will settle for milky-coffee and four more months wishing i were someplace else. bundle up there is a lot more to come.

grumble grumble grumble.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

We are all earth-shakers you just have to believe it.

this may sound strange, but it feels as if every once in awhile we are given a chance to try again. i am not truly sure that you can completely mask heartbreak with opportunity. the pain exists simultaneously with the potential a strange alchemy of dreams waking up, but i truly believe in embracing everything including the hurt as a way to learn, change, and grow.

i know that together is the way people are supposed to be, but it is no mistake that alone is the way we are meant to start out. it is time for me to be alone. i have made a list of all my expectations out of life. not a bucket list, more of a guideline. on the top of the list is to stop searching. i have everything i need in the person i am. i am starting to think maybe even believe that your one great love needs to be yourself. i need to love myself as i have loved others "without adjustment" as i seem to recall.

it is the year of the tiger, and i am finally ready to  be a tiger.