Sunday, February 12, 2012

a death of sorts.

i am not sure why i am telling you this. perhaps it is because i am certain nobody actually reads this, or maybe it is because i desperately need someone to talk to beyond my journal. i don't know. what i do know is that things are not alright. my dreams are wrecked with images of my teeth crumbling in my mouth, packs of wild dogs, and strangers. i am losing all of the people i love, and can hardly make the effort to hold on even though ending up alone is my worst fear of all.

in december of last year my dad suffered a stroke, and i still don't think i have accepted it. death has taken my friends and family, but it has always seemed far away. seeing the fear of death in my fathers eyes shook me to my core, and has kept shaking me ever since. now every voicemail i receive causes me such primordial fear that i can hardly get myself to press send. when i first arrived at the hospital i met my mom in the hallway. she had tears in her eyes when she asked me what she would do without him, and i couldn't answer. what would i do without him? within a few hours of my arrival feeling had returned to his hands and the tips of his fingers. what a beautiful miracle that he would come out of the experience virtually unscathed, and to find out that he is perfectly healthy.

why did this become my nightmare. where my fear of spiders, bad guys, and semi trucks used to be is now an extraordinary fear of aging and death. this fear has come upon me with such a frightening force that i have been crippled by it. i rarely leave my apartment. i have rituals now, touching all the knobs on my oven to ensure they are off, unplugging everything, leaving my apartment, and going back in to check everything again. i am saving voicemails for fear that i will never hear the voices again. i am absolutely losing it.

but i have a plan.

i am trying to heal. i went home yesterday to spend the night with my parents. we drank wine, watched movies, laughed and shared stories. my dad is absolutely alive, and better than before. he is truly living, in fact, they are off to Andros island in the bahamas this thursday. think bikes, bonefishing, and beer. so why am i so afraid? i should see this as a good thing, and early on i did. 

my plan is simple. be happy

the journey is what will be difficult, but it starts tomorrow at 6 am. yoga. and then metalsmithing a place where i feel completely at home. i intend to spend more time there. working on my craft and loosening up my spirit. for the next two days i am going to be immersed in making a book. a place where i have fully explored my fear of death and age, and have conquered with a bit of british rebellion and a lot of metaphor. tonight i am going to repair a pair of broken butterfly wings i feel it is important for some reason. i am also close to having everything in my home organized, all the old is boxed up to go to charity. no more chaos. i found a mouse that needs a home. his name is stuart and he is living at the fort collins humane society. i think we need each other. as for me. everything will be okay. with a little bit of time and a little bit of effort everything will turn out okay. i have so much love to give.

as i said before, and i think i finally understand it. the universe shakes everything.

good night, and always with love.


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